Phew! What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been...some of the hardest of my life as a mommy so far. Things are officially better and I'm reaching the light at the end of my tunnel--thank heavens!!
Ah, the ole' boobs. The source of nourishment for Porter over the past 8 1/2 months and the cause of so many tears over the past 16 days...
Back up to last last Friday- my third official day of school. Porter wakes up at 6 am, and like every single morning for the past 240 or so days, I pluck him out of his crib, take a seat in my rocker, and prepare to have some quality mommy/baby time. Only this time, Porter pushes away and starts to cry and cry. And cry. He wants nothing to do with me or my boobs. Flash forward to today--16 days later. He still wants nothing to do with them. I immediately started looking for answers. I talked to three lactation consultants, one doula and several mommy friends. I have read countless articles on the internet, posted to Facebook mommy groups, and discussed with friends who don't even have kids. Initially I suspected he was on a "
nursing strike." Basically, for some unknown reason Porter is refusing to nurse and will (hopefully) come back one day soon and nurse again (or, at least that's what "they" say). Now, I'm not so sure. I'm continuing to pump breast milk and continue to offer him the boob, but with no luck, he's still not interested.
I am completely devastated. Breastfeeding is something that a mom puts so much effort into. She struggles to get a perfect latch when her baby is a newborn, she struggles with engorgement, excruciating nipple pain, pumping in the car, in bathrooms, feeding in the car, in museums, at restaurants, pumping enough milk when she goes back to work, washing pump parts, packing ice packs to store her milk, pumping enough milk to feed her baby when she's on vacation and pumping every two hours while on vacation to keep up her milk supply. She pumps during 1/2 of her planning time and 1/2 of her lunch time during work. She takes crazy herbs and oils to up her milk supply, yells out in pain when her baby bites her with his two new teeth, and sacrifices wearing "real bras" for months and months and months. She worries about leaking through her shirts while in public and carries around a pump bag to weddings, to nights out with friends and to BBQs. She pumps when dead tired, while trying to play with her baby and sometimes even in the middle of the night. She drives over the speed limit to get home because she knows that her baby is hungry and she wants to be able to feed him. And she knows that every single minute of all this makes being able to breastfeed her baby 100% worth it. I wouldn't trade this time for anything. And now, I fear, it may be over...
I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel. I still try to nurse him and I'm pumping my head off to make milk for him to drink from his *stupid* bottles. I suppose one day, if this continues, that I'll have to come to terms and know that this amazingly wonderful phase has come to an end but until then, I'll continue to hope.
Porter is growing and changing like crazy these days! He has had so many "firsts" the last few months that I have trouble remembering to write them down in his baby book. He's had a ton of firsts foods: cauliflower, biscuit, spaghetti squash, edamame, Korean food, bbq chicken, bacon, brown rice, garbanzo beans, yogurt, feta cheese...the list goes on and on and on. Fortunately, this kid loves to eat and he'll eat everything we offer. He's also started scooting in the past few days. We call him our little sea turtle, because that's just what he looks like while he's making his way across the floor.
He has learned to drink from a sippy cup all by himself, he can shake his head no, click his tongue, and finally knows his name. He can mimic us when we make certain sounds, hates having his diaper changed, and is just starting to show signs of pulling up onto the coffee table. He can say all sorts of syllables: mama, dada, yaya, nana, baba, and still proves to be the happiest baby on the block. He sits perfectly on the ground and hardly every topples over backward, he can ride in a grocery cart and makes friends with everyone that stops to say hi in the aisles. Just today we were watching him in the monitor and he went from lying down to sitting up, just like that! He is changing and becoming more fun every day. Remember when he was newborn and I never ever wanted him to get bigger? Well, I take that back. Now, I want him to stay like this forever: mobile but not too mobile, cuddly, warm, soft and squishy and mama's little sponge. xo
As always, some of my recent faves...
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| P and Grammy |
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| Jack-o-lantern smile |
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| Say cheese! |
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| This is his newest favorite place to sit- smiles the whole time! |
